July 17/17 Nothing and Everything
The date! 7/17/17. How fortuitous! My daughter’s 32nd birthday. I hope it is a fortunate day for her. She has a knack for winning at the casino sometimes.
Did you ever wake up and think, “Crap. I’m a loser. I haven’t done what I wanted to do; I haven’t gone where I wanted to go. I haven’t succeeded by society’s standard. Aghhhhhhhh.” I feel like tearing my hair out in frustration!
I had just finished reading yet another book on fulfilling my life’s mission, had a whole raft of quality affirmations to declare, armed myself with super confidence I could actually change my life this time for what I really wanted to be, and… There it was, doubt, unbelief, serious lack of self confidence, bordering on depression. Depression! I don’t get depressed. Those thoughts are for others who don’t realize they are causing their own bad day! I don’t get depressed. I know better. I know the source, the cause, and the solution!
But there it was. Feelings of inadequacy, of not measuring up to someone else’s standard, not being the person others were voicing me to be. Why aren’t you richer? You are so attractive, why aren’t you married?
Well, there is always someone prettier and richer and I am not married because I am not married. Right now, it’s not for me. When the situation arises that I think is best for me, then I will make that decision.
I also just finished re-reading a list on How to Love Yourself. So why was I beating myself up today on my daughter’s birthday? Upon reflection, I realize, that wanting to pass on wisdom, profound insights, and a generous legacy, I had pressured myself to be someone in my family’s eyes who could be respected as the wise woman of the family, the matriarch. And here I was with feelings of being less than. Did I tell you the day was overcast? That’s it, the weather. If only I lived where it was sunny all the time, like California where I wanted to go since I was a teen. I really thought I belonged there since the days of Mariposa.
And then the sun came out. I rethought my erroneous list of put downs. Maybe breakfast had started to kick in; my blood sugar was levelling. Now I could think ‘straight’. This temporary diversion from my usually very optimistic self just helps me be a better friend and counsellor to those who feel this way most of the time. I can identify with them when their thoughts spiral downward into a personal hell hole.
Then I came home and listened to the first lesson on Desire and Destiny by Deepak Chopra and Oprah and meditated for about fifteen minutes, while mentally contemplating the mantra, So Hum-I am (I almost fell asleep during the meditation). That meant I needed more sleep, a ‘cause’ for feeling blue.
At the end of the mediation, when I realized I am nothing and everything, I felt much better. That’s it. I am nothing, just a ball of energy between the cells, and oh yeah, the energy between the cells is the energy of the universe, all encompassing, love at its finest, so I am everything. I am Love. Not bad for a woman celebrating the birthday of her 32 year old daughter.
Note: For science enthusiasts, here is a link to the science show entitled, Everything, and its complement, Nothing, hosted by Professor Jim Al Khalili.
See it here at http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/everything-and-nothing/.